2daysinparis

“Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”

snap

an unlimited way of being...

Unconditional love is the strangest thing.

I've always associated it with parenting until tonight. I don't know if its just me, and to be honest I really hope its not, but I think that in this day and age it's so possible to have this feeling for someone not of your own flesh and blood.
It's different to "taking a bullet" for someone, that's not what I'm talking about. I mean when you and the other someone are having a fight, for example, and you yell and scream at each other, but underneath all of the anger is this .. feeling.. that everything is okay because it's not serious. I mean, the issue might be serious, but you know that if you tell them to fuck off, they won't leave you, and no matter how much they tell YOU to eat shit and die, you know that everything will be okay.

The best feeling in the world that I know is falling asleep and waking up next to someone. I don't know how I will survive going back to my parent's house and sleeping in my single bed alone every night. As terrible as it sounds, I honestly cannot recall a time when I was single, and I don't know how well I would function as a bachelor-ette. I am a hopeless romantic and yeah whatever.

I mean of course there are always times when we think that the worst is upon us and what we think are flashes of 'clarity' of what the HELL am I doing here? But (at least, I know) that I will (hopefully) have someone to sleep next to at some point in the near future, who (hopefully) feels somewhat the same way I do.

paint it noir

A WHOLE MESS OF IMAGES FOR A WHOLE MESS OF A PERSON!!!!!
SOME FILTHY, LYING, BASTARD OF A
SCUMMY RAT SACK HAS BROKEN INTO MY HEAD
AND STOLEN ALL MY TOUGHTS AND IDEAS AND
THEN, SOMEHOW
(THE LITTLE FUCKER)
HAS GONE BACK IN TIME
AND DISTRIBUTED THEM TO OTHERS!
OH, THE SADNESS I DO FEEL.
BUT NO LESS THAN THE ANGER THAT BURNS IN MY LOINS!!

the pot calling the kettle sneaky..

So it turns out I have to pack up my life and move my stuff back to my Mum's house in less than a month. I cannot afford to pay rent and dragonslayer doesn't work/won't work so thats the way the field lies.
God I've got such mixed feelings about the whole thing. I mean on one hand it will be good to go home so that I can save and get a home cooked meal every night and not worry about some of the stuff that has driven me insane the past few years out of home. But at the same time I spend 10 minutes in my mother's house and the entire dynamics are enough to make me go insane. My sister and my Mum bitch about each other behind their backs to me when the other one is just in the next room.
Not only this, recent developments have shown that there will be a fourth person in the house permanently (my Mum's boyfriend) and my sister's boyfriend is there all the goddamn time as well. So I will be going from basic solitude where I can walk around naked to constant chaos with people I'm not all that comfortable with.
The thing that is probably bugging me the most is that I don't want to get rid of any of my stuff. But this house at the moment is full to the brim with crap I don't really need. I AM A HOARDER. Where the hell am I supposed to put my couches? I have about 15 coffee cups and draws full of utensils! Close to 100 books and a butt-load of records.

All this aside, I know the one thing that I will miss the most will be having someone sleep next to me every night.

I feel so cheated! I didn't even get to have a summer in this house. Oh well, it was good while it lasted. I guess I should have a party or something?